28 September 2011

s....e....x....

I was interviewing a person for the book last week and towards the end of the interview she asked if I was going to ask her about sex. Was I interested in her and her husband's sex life in the context of them having separate rooms?

Well yes, I was - but I was a little hesitant to ask. I'm still getting comfortable with my interviews but plan to come right out and ask the question next time round.

I must admit, that when the topic of sleeping separately arises, so often, so do the questions about sex.
  • Where does it happen?
  • When does it happen?
  • How is it instigated?
But mostly..... does it happen?

Let's take a minute.
Close your eyes and remember when you first started having sex with your boyfriend or girlfriend? Did you live together? Did you sleep in the same bed every night? Did you even sleep in the same bed any night?

My guess is that you didn't share a bed night after night, but you did manage to find a way to have sex with each other. As do separate sleepers.

As I am at pains to point out, couples who are choosing to sleep separately aren't doing so because they don't like each other or are angry with each other, it's a practical solution to a practical problem (broken record noise inserted here). So there is still a physical attraction to your partner and you still want to have sex with them.

Keeping a sex life exciting between a long-term couple has spawned a library of books and self-help columns. There are some basics that we have learned and one of these is to try and keep your sex life exciting by not just relying on slipping in to bed every night and hoping the partner is keen to 'get it on'.

Long term couples often fall out of nude sleeping, sexy lingerie, scented candles and dimmed lights and more into practical sleep wear and a plethora of less-than-sexy habits and 'add-ons' they gather around them as they get older.

If this clip from the movie 'Date Night' resonates, you get what I mean.



The Ask Men website - written for men, by men (I assume) - even advocates sleeping separately to spice up your sex life in the article 'The Argument for Separate Beds'.

(This is the first overly male focussed discussion on the topic I have found - I'm thrilled.)

So let me answer the questions. I can confidently provide the answers based on my own experience, the experience of my co-author Sue, and the experiences of all seven couples we have interviewed to date.

Where does it happen?

In one of the beds, or in another location in the house - again, remember those early dating days.

When does it happen?

When you both feel like having sex - in the morning, the evening, the afternoon, etc etc, just like everyone else.

How is it instigated?

Probably more proactively seeing as you don't just expect to see your partner in bed every night. In fact, dare I suggest that it might even make the pre-sex stage a little more exciting as one of you has to instigate the event.

And does it happen?

Yes.

It's just s...e...x.... 

We've been doing it for years and ain't gonna let some little thing like separate beds get in the way.

18 September 2011

Now I lay me down to sleep

Sleeping is no mean art:  for its sake one must stay awake all day.  
Friedrich Nietzsch

As I contemplate where I will take a Sunday afternoon nap, (due to very broken's night's sleep) I started thinking about human's need for sleep. This is a subject that I do tend to think about often, considering the amount of time I find myself writing about it lately. 

For me, the primary and most dominant motivation for sleeping separately is my need for sleep. I create living nightmares for others when I don't get enough of it and have always watched all my mother friends with admiration as they carried on their lives while coping with the loss of sleep of due to babies and young children.

I thought I would share a few good websites I have come across recently that deal with the science of sleep - or more importantly the effects of the lack thereof.

The ASA is the peak scientific body in Australia & New Zealand representing clinicians, scientists and researchers in the broad area of Sleep. 

Waking America to the importance of sleep

Australian Broadcast Commission (ABC) show Catalyst has put together a great range of videos that deal with the importance of sleep
An American site dedicated to research into sleep deprivation

I hope my very small readership might find something of interest to them.


11 September 2011

Flawed design

Sorry men - but the fact is you snore more than women. It's not your fault per se - it's a design flaw.

I am not suggesting that women don't snore at all, but I don't think I am too far out of line to say that it is men who do tend to be the high achievers in this activity.

In trying to find some hard evidence to back my bold statement, I found a great statement:

More researchers have coincided that up to 80% of men snore at some time, double the number compared to women, and about 40% of them snore every night.

For those who have already picked up the rather questionable sentence construction and grammar usage, well done. Then I hope that the bold quoting of statistics has your heckles raised as mine were too. Yes - I think that the entry in the Softpedia website, may require a very healthy dose of scepticism, which is such a pity as the 'stats' are just the sort of hard-hitting justification I need for my book.

(The fact that the word 'research' in the paragraph preceding the stats leads to an online selling system really did cement my despair)

I then found a video called 'Street Doctors' and thought this might provide more credible information. Turns out Street Doctors did have a doctor.... but as for any sort of in-depth answers to the snoring battle of the sexes..... you make up your mind.




(You may also have noticed one of the compelling social issues that Street Doctors tackles is 'Is Sperm Nutritious?'. This may give away their commitment to dealing with the hard hitting medical issues of the day)

I did finally find a believable medical explanation for the higher incidence of men snoring that made sense, after repeated reading. Well, I'm sure it would have made a little more sense if I had some 'Anatomy 101' in my academic repetoire.

This entry is written by a doctor - Dr Steven Y. Park MC - on his eponymous website. Dr Park's 'mission' is to help treat breathing problems to give people a better quality of life. He seems legit - decent website, reassuring photo, and an easy to understand video of himself talking about medical procedures for snoring.

I wouldn't attempt to summarise his explanation for the increase in snoring for men, and encourage my readers to click here to see the detail. What did catch my eye though, was another explanation for why women are 'lighter' sleepers than men. Not only do we have to contend with hormonal interference in our ability to sleep but a smaller space behind our tongue means that we are prone to being aroused from deep sleep because of interference in our breathing.

So men are more susceptible to snoring due to a design feature and women are more susceptible to lighter sleeping due a design feature - both features working against the other and resulting in disturbed sleep for all.

And so we face another challenge when hopping in to bed with each other each night, and it's one we really don't have any control over - unless someone has found that warranty document to take back to the manufacturer.

05 September 2011

The Rules!

Sleeping separately from your partner is not all fun, freedom, and rolling around a queen-sized bed with gay abandon. Contrary to popular belief - it's not all beer and skittles!

Sleeping apart requires discipline and moral fibre - moral fibre being defined as 'the inner strength to do what you believe to be right in difficult situations'. 

Sleeping apart from the man or woman you love can actually be a difficult decision. I'm yet to find one couple who doesn't have a level of angst about their decision to sleep separately. I think this is why people are so reluctant to talk about it - the feelings of unrest probably makes them feel there must be something wrong with them. 

As mentioned in my previous post, a friend of mind has just returned to sleeping with her husband after 9.5 years apart and I can't wait to talk to her about what has changed for them and how they feel about sharing the space together again.

When my husband and I decided to sleep apart I cried. I felt a heavy sense of loss and a fear that the relationship would be harmed due to the absence of the intimacy experienced through sharing a bed each night. And in all honesty, I wanted to sleep with my husband - to cuddle him at night and in the morning, to lie next to him at night and in the morning and chat, and to just enjoy the presence of him next to me each night. 

But 'alas and alack', it was just not to be.

When we realised we were destined for different geographical coordinates each night, we clung on to each other before sleep and immediately upon waking, and this is how our rules for separate rooms developed.

Rule 1
The last person up at night (normally me) has to go through to the person in bed and spend a little time with them. Depending on the circumstances, there can be lying in bed with them for a cuddle and a chat, but as a minimum, there is a kiss goodnight.

Rule 2
The first person up in the morning (normally my husband) must go through to the other person's room for a good morning kiss. If it is a weekend, then there is the added expectation that they will slip in to bed for a longer cuddle and maybe some more snoozing.

Rule 3
There is an interest taken in the other person's bedroom. This might manifest itself in helping to pick new furniture, helping the other person make their bed, or thoughtful gestures such as turning the other person's electric blanket on (mainly my husband doing that for me) when they are out in the evening.  

Rule 4
The sex rule. Conjugal visits should take into consideration freshly washed sheets!

We are fairly strict with each other when it comes to the rules. They are vital to us to ensure we make the effort to maintain the physical contact that couples who share a bed may indeed take for granted.

Our rules connect us to each other around the daily event of sleeping - just the same as when we sit at the table with each other to have dinner.

Funnily enough my co-author Sue has a similar set of rules with her husband. Their rules and rituals were established a long time ago also, but we did laugh when we discovered how similarly we treated this aspect of our relationships. I do wonder how other couples who sleep separately address the gap left by sleeping apart when it comes to taking care of their relationship.

So we will keep 'playing by the rules'...... it's kept us in the game so far.

01 September 2011

Folk like me

As mentioned quite a few posts ago, I am in the early stages of writing a book about sleeping separately. The book will be co-authored with my dear friend Sue - who will be enticed into blogging one day soon.

After a recent, and most encouraging, meeting with Sally Collings - a published author and mentor at the Queensland Writers Centre - we are stepping up a gear and getting some more work done on the book. A large part of this work is interviewing people.



Faced with the prospect of finding interesting candidates to interview, I have been asking everyone I know, if they know of anyone who would be worth talking to about different sleeping behaviours.

This tactic has proven to be very worthwhile and I have some great interviews lined up:
  • a couple married for 50+ years who started sleeping separately as soon as their children left home, which was 30 years ago
  • a girl whose relationship ended because her partner would not let her sleep separately - even though she could not share a bed with him because of snoring and restless legs
  • a good friend who has just started sleeping with her husband again after 9.5 years - they have been married for 10 years
I must admit that I am very excited about talking to these people and hearing their stories. There's always something intriguing talking to like-minded folk - an immediate connection and a chance to normalise your own thoughts and behaviours against theirs. 

I feel like I'm going to find a whole new bunch of 'homies'.