14 June 2012

We need to talk...

How well do you communicate?   (this is actually a trick question - don't answer it)

Making the move to sleep separately may require on of those conversations that start with a big, long breath and a pained expression. Even if both parties know it has to happen or even want it to happen, there is still a high chance that one of the couple might have their feelings hurt or just not be in the right space to hear the news.

A quick search on the internet for how to best communicate with your partner yields millions of results - 8m + to be a little more exact.

I find this most appropriate, for there are millions of ways that are both right and wrong to communicate with your partner.

The tricky part of communicating with anyone really is the variables. These are the tricky bits to navigate with each other that make talking with another person in the pursuit of an outcome a veritable mine field.

My challenge - time myself for a minute and think of as many variables as I can that affect good clear communication between couples. And go...

  • time of the day
  • what's on television at that time
  • level of stress caused by work, children, public transport, finances, sporting results
  • time of the month (a lady one)
  • trying to initiate or build up to sex
  • sporting success or lack thereof during the day
  • career trajectory
  • relationship with their or your friends and family
  • mood swings
  • amount of food sating a hungry belly
  • amount of alcohol consumed, or not

There is SO (yes... capitals are necessary) much STUFF (yes... necessary again) that impacts on how well we communicate, that even if you have a gold medal in couples communication, there might be times when it all goes horribly wrong. This is why the question at the top is a trick question - sometimes we're great and sometimes we are bloody awful.

It's the design of humans. So flawed. So unreliable. So dodgy. So endearing.

So if you ever wanted to raise the topic of sleeping separately from your partner, but were too afraid, I may have the answer for you.




If I'd had access to a Manslater when raising the issue of separate sleeping with my husband, I think I would have chosen the Arnold Schwarzenegger voice.

When I told him that he would have to sleep in his room because of the snoring, but that I still loved him and still wanted to spend time with him, and that our relationship was going to be fine because I trusted that there was so much else between us that not sharing a bed at night wouldn't take away from our new life together, and that we would not lose the closeness between us - it would just have to be explicit in other 'things' we did together, and that I still found him attractive and wanted to maintain our sex life, my Manslater would have summed it up with....... "Hasta la vista, baby!".

Now that's communicating.

07 June 2012

The gift of bed

Tonight, a story to share from a friend of mine. I love this friend dearly and asked her recently to capture for me, part of a recent chapter of her life, as it's a chapter that has an aspect that's dear to my heart.

This friend's husband brought their 25 year marriage to an end through his thoughtless and rather selfish behaviour. (One word here - karma)

My friend was devastated in the months after the marriage ended and often wondered what life was going to look like without the person she had planned to spend her life with, sharing it with her.

I can happily report she is doing just fine, as most intelligent, capable and sensible people do. (Not that I am blindly biased or anything like that)

A surprising aspect of her post-marriage life has been how much she treasures having her own bed.

She writes in her story....

At fifty, I look back at my younger twenty-one-year-old self, and wonder why I gave up my own bed and room without question in the first place. I recall the excitement of the early days of marriage where sharing a room and a bed were symbols of my newly acquired marital status. In fact, not sharing a room and bed was never considered.

I think that she captures one of the 'constructs' I bleat on about when it comes to why our society places so much importance on bed sharing as a couple. It's a symbol that you are together - in every facet of your life. I was very grateful for her insight on that one. (I still don't agree with it, but I think I understand it more)

Her husband and her went on to experience the normal issues that arise in bed sharing - snoring, bed and room temperature, how to use sheets and blankets appropriately, excessive movement, etc., etc. But as a 'good wife and good couple' they persisted in sharing a bed, and she often found herself spending days in a "sleep-deprived stupor".

So here we are, 26 years down the track and now that she is free to explore what it's like to sleep solo - she is a convert. This is how she describes her sleeping arrangements circa 2012...

Now that I’ve had the luxury of my own room and my own bed again, I won’t be giving it up.  I love shutting the bedroom door behind me and entering my own space to relax and ponder and rest. It sustains and nurtures me. There is nothing I like better than slipping into my bed each night, knowing I will sleep undisturbed until morning.  Being able to spread out in a walk-in wardrobe is a definite plus as well.  In time, if life does happen to bring a second partner for me, he will definitely need to be happy with a two bed/two room policy.  

She called her story "The Gift of Bed" and I think it's a great gift for anyone to give themselves, if they can afford it.


(In reading and re-reading this post, I am concerned that I may sound a little biased towards separate sleeping. I'm certainly not pro-separate sleeping, just pro-having the choice to do so if that's what makes you happy. I think I'm just so happy for my friend that she has found something in her life that she really loves.

If she had found a new lease on life by climbing Mt Everest, or taking up crocheting, I would have been equally as enthusiastic. It's just that when someone else shares a pleasure you have - it's kind of neat.)